Life

I'm sitting in my living room at 11:52 at night. I sit alone, my wife is going to sleep in the next room, and Over the Rhine is singing quietly to me about my home state and I am crying.

Life is a funny thing. It slips away. Our memories fade and morph. Our friends come and go. My ideas and ideals of what life should be, seemingly change from day to day. Some would say that it's just my age, but I've come to think that people desensitize themselves to the feelings of loss and confusion.

As I sit here, it occurs to me that there are no reinforcements coming to help me live my life. Too many days, I wait with expectation for that magical "whoever" to come and help me with my bills, help define my dreams, help deliver me from my troubles. I feel tonight like a soldier on the frontlines who has realized that if he is to survive the night, he will need to rely on his good aim, his intelligent use of ammunition, and his fighting buddies. There are no reinforcements coming. This is life. This is the one shot at this little go-round that you get before eternity starts, and if you are going to make it worthwhile, you'd better do it soon.

I am blessed. I have great fighting buddies. I have plenty of human talent, and more than all that, I have a close and loving relationship with The Living God who made the universe. I know what I am here for. I know that my purpose in life is to glorify God through my actions... loving others, living to help those in need, and by so doing, make my life worthwhile. In a world filled with people living for themselves, the only ones that are truly fulfilled in life are the few who dedicate their lives in sacrifice for others. I have been given all this knowledge, been imparted all this wisdom, and yet I sit on my somewhat ugly couch, and watch popcorn movies... oblivious to the tremendous responsibilities required of those that know the Truth.

So here goes, today is truly the first day of the last days of my life. How many are left? There isn't any time to waste. How will I live today? How will I love today? Will I be genuine? Will I lie to make myself look or feel better? Will I ignore the needs of others to better "love" myself? Will I sacrifice my wants and desires to bring glory to the name of the One who laid down His life for me? I continue to cry. Tears like this are few and far between. Like a good rain when land is dry... How can I live the way I do? I feel like Strider from the Tolkien trilogy. All the knowledge, ability and courage to save an empire... sitting in a bar in a back corner of the world. How can I live this way? Acting as though I'm lost. Living as though I don't know what I should be doing. Lying to myself and to the world around me. In denial of the only real truth. How sad is that? Probably the saddest thing I've ever heard of.

So here it goes again. Today is truly the first day of the last days of my life. How will it be spent? Spent is such an accurate term for a day. When it's done, it's done. What will be done at this time tomorrow. Will my wife know more assuradely that I love her? Will I have spent time with God? Seeking His strength and wisdom? Will I have worked to earn money for us? Will I have squandered hours? Minutes? The whole day?

Pedro the Lion is singing now. The song is "Lullabye" off his first album. The first song I heard by him, and so appropriate in this case. After struggling against his worries and overthinking everything, he hears the voice of God say "Rest in me little David, and dry all your tears, you can lay down your armor and have no fear. Cause I'm always here when your tired of running. I'm all the strength that you need."

Sounds like sound advice. In some ways I need to lighten up. In other ways, that's the last thing I need. To sleep my life away... To let days and months and years slip by. What I definitely can do tonight is lay all my cares and concerns at Jesus' feet and sleep, knowing that no matter what I do, He is in control.

Peace. Be still.