"Shake it like a baby" and other quoteable phrases

Well, I've become quite the popular man on campus at Starbucks. Despite the fact that I was the only person in the place today pleased with the outcome of the U.S. presidential race. Bush, despite his faults, is so much better than Kerry, and I feel safer with him in the oval office. But back to my story... I have, since I started at Starbucks, aquired several appendages to my nametag which now reads
Jim "Shake it like a baby - Old lady chick magnet - Bush lover" Miller.

Explanation:
"Shake it like a baby" It started as a somewhat morbid offhand comment by myself, and has grown to a small cultural phenomenon at my Starbucks. I was on my way into the backroom kitchen area when I passed my coworker Kristen Condrin making whipped cream. The process of making whipped cream is this: Fill a stainless steel whipped cream "gun" with 16 oz. of heavy whipping cream, 7 pumps of vanilla syrup, screw cap on, and attach a Co2 cartridge, thus charging the whipped cream. After charging, shake vigorously for about 20 seconds. Kristen was, at that moment, attempting to shake her newly charged whipped cream, but instead of handling it easily and shaking it to her side, she was gripping it with both hands, holding it in front of herself, glaring at it as she shook it. "Man!" I commented, "You're shaking that like a baby!" She took one horrified moment, stared at me, and then burst out laughing. She then proceeded to relate the story to anyone who would listen, and it was deemed the funniest, and most offensive thing that anyone had heard in quite awhile. This has apparently become my known talent there. "If you want to hear a completely offensive, and wonderfully funny, go to Jim." I have to admit that I'm a little proud of it. I probably shouldn't be, but then, where would all my stories come from? So the saying has spread, and now everybody "Shakes it like a baby." Funny note: A girl that worked for one day and quit, was there long enough to hear the story, and had the funniest reaction to date. I was walking by her as she was shaking a whipped cream, and she started mimicing Kristen's "baby shake movement" and followed it by holding the whipped cream to her chest, stroking it, and murmering "Mommy loves you... mommy loves you..." It was the most wonderful, morbid thing I've seen in awhile, and I laugh every time I think of it.

Another offensive/funny thing I've said was something that just popped out of my mouth while 2 store managers, a shift manager, and our district manager were standing nearby. It all started when I found a bag from Kohl's on the counter in front of my register. Inside were two, unopened packs of fishnet stockings. Alarmed, but busy, I put them on the counter behind me, and continued to work. About a half hour later, a regular customer of ours came to claim them. She is a british woman, about 33 or 34, and closely resembles Susan Powter. Strangely enough, she is a fitness trainer. Well, when she came up and inquired as to whether we had found a bag from Kohl's, I burst out "The fishnet stockings? Oh, that's great! I was afraid some big hairy guy was going to come in and say 'Did anyone find my stockings?'" There was a gigantic silence, which was followed by everybody laughing, which is good, because I suddenly realized that the only people nearby were all people who could see me fired. But they loved it, and the customer loved it, and everybody was happy.

2nd Explanation:
"Old Lady Chick Magnet"
It is common knowledge to my friends and my wife that if you are a woman, and you are over 60, and are not in my family, you are completely powerless to my old lady charm. I am the biggest Old Lady Chick Magnet on earth. (Note to anyone over 60 reading this, Grandma and Grampa, this means you, I did not mean to imply that you are "old", but to people my age, 40 is like half dead.) So anyway... I have recieved over 3 $5 tips and half a dozen compliments to the manager, thanks to my "chicks." Not to mention that at least 20 of my "chicks" know my name and ALWAYS say hi. When I was a waiter at Chili's, I waited on two women of the age group in question, and at the end of their meal, the woman who was perhaps a bit more swept away by my debonair banter stood up and said "Where's my hug?" so I hugged her. I got a really good tip, too. The other waiters and waitresses thought that she was a relative, and to date, I am the only waiter I know of that has had this happen. I'm sure that waitresses at Hooters get this all the time, but to me, it's new.

3rd Explanation:
"Bush Lover"
Well, this is just due to GW, and my hatred of Kerry. I don't agree with the way that George goes about doing things, but at least I agree they should be done. This is often the case in life, and it really is a pretty good option. Short of a candidate that does what I want, the way I want, Bush is pretty good. Definitely better than Kerry, who stands for stuff I hate, and doesn't even do those things well. Let alone lead the country. But all these things have been exempt from my arguments there. I do NOT want to get fired over something stupid like stating my political views to a bunch of customers and offending people. I'd much rather be fired over saying something funny and offensive. Just kidding. I don't want to get fired at all, so when asked, I have restricted myself to saying "I don't believe in giving promotions to people who can't even do their current job right. In my opinion, Kerry and Edwards are two of the worst senators the US has seen, and don't deserve a higher position." This has earned me the spurning of my peers, and while they are unified in their Bush-hatred, my Kerry-hatred is all they need to deem me a "Bush-lover." Reminds me of second grade. Please stand by your desks as we say the pledge of allegience.

Well. I'm tired, so that's all for now. Hope you enjoyed my newfound titles.

Jim