I'm an emotional wreck tonight

I just have to get this out. I am so frustrated tonight.
In my life, as a christian, I have been taught that life is a series of challenge/struggles that we need to overcome. Each struggle is more difficult than the next, but by mastering the challenge/struggles that have come before, we develop the character required to deal with the ones ahead. I believe that this is so. Not only because it says that it is in scripture (James 1:2-8 & 1st Peter 1:6-8) but I have found it to be true in my own life.

I have been through several major and minor trials in my life. In each of these struggles, I have either perservered or failed. In the cases of failure, I have found myself in similar predicaments again & again, until I emerged having learned what I needed to. Then, I could move on. I don't believe that God sits back hurling problems at us to deal with. I do believe that while we move through life, He walks with us, guiding us and teaching us what we need to know to deal with life in a way that glorifies Him, and gives value to our existence. So it can be gathered that as I grow in maturity, and my ability to deal with situations/tests/struggles/challenges in life increases, I would deal with the easier ones correctly without really exerting any effort. The giant struggles of my past would seem small compared to the giants I face today. Not because they are any less important, but simply because now I know how to deal with them.

I have been fighting a battle. A very intimidating and uncomfortable situation, for the past few months. In this "battle" I have found myself failing and succeeding. I struggle to do what I know is right, to fight my inward tendencies to avoid conflict, and sometimes I succeed. Of all of the tests I've faced so far, this is what I would consider to be the hardest, if not one of the hardest. I know in my heart what must be done, but this is battled by my inward fear of the conflict that is sure to take place when I do, and the negative/wimpy responses I may have, due to several months of conditioning in an unhealthy relationship. Worse yet, I have been untruthful with the party that has wronged me. In an attempt to make things easier on myself, and give an excuse for why I could not do what they wanted, I lied about having another additional job, thus eliminating any free time I might have. No-one knows this but me. I am so ashamed of my unjust behavior, and frustrated for even getting myself into this situation, that it adds tremendously to my stress levels.

Of all the little white lies that have ever been told, this is the white-ist. I did not elaborate on "the job." I gave no indication of what make-believe income I might make. I did not make this out to be anything more than an excuse for "not having the time" that he might want. BUT... no lie travels alone, and this one has a host of friends in the hall waiting to come in when needed. All they need to rear their ugly heads is just a "So what are your hours like at this other job?" or "What's it like there?" That's what I hate. I think that Mark Twain once said something along the lines of "Always tell the truth. It's alot easier to remember." I couldn't agree more.

Well... I have a feeling that there's more to say, but I'm really worn, so I'm going to take a break. I really appreciate the ability to honestly open up on this site. I really appreciate all of you. Thank you.

Jim